To Whoever Controls My Fate and Other Things I Can't Control:

So usually, I hear from my Zac right when I think I can't handle not hearing from him any longer and then, POOF, fate intervenes and a simple message or comment or ever a Skype call comes to my rescue. Saturday was not one of those days. I was looking forward to the possibility of hearing from him ALL WEEK. And by the time the weekend showed up, I was prepared to sit in front of my computer and wait for his call. That night, I stayed up as long as I could (and I had to be up at 7:30 for softball) and then, when I kept reading the same sentence over and over and not understanding it at all, I put my computer next to my head (something I only do on rare occasions when I'm worried I won't hear the call) and try to fall asleep. Only I couldn't. Oh, sure, I tried. I layed in this position and that position, I tossed and turned until I thought I found a good one and then had to move again because it wasn't right. The moments when I did fall asleep were brief and very frequently interrupted by nothing more than my own mind. I would wake up every hour or two drenched in sweat even though I was only in shorts and a tee shirt and it was only 60 degrees outside. I woke up the next morning not only sleep-deprived, but without a single peep from my man. No Facebook message or comment, no missed Skype call or message, and definitely no letter in the mailbox. I went about my day and played my three games of softball (and played terribly) and went straight to work (two hours before I was scheduled) and stayed there until one in the morning (two hours late). By the time I got home, I was so tired and miserable and sore and upset that after I ate, I flopped down on the bed, and even though I couldn't get comfortable for the life of me, I fell asleep. I woke up this morning miserable at best and went to work from 12-2. What did I do there? I cried. Yup. One of my co-workers and I were talking, and one thing led to another, and once I started talking about my bad day, I couldn't stop myself and I cried. Poor thing probably didn't know that was coming. Thankfully, he gave me a hug and I was able to recover enough to wait on the next customer that walked in our doors with a straight face and without tears. Good thing I don't wear make up to this job or it would've been all clumpy and no matter how good of a crier I am, you can't help clumpy. My mascara doesn't run when I cry, my face and eyes don't get red. All that happens is that I get pale. So basically, I look normal. So that's a nice thing about being me, I guess. Anyways, after that, I came home, my mom made inquired if I was having a bad day (I was REALLY quiet and practically non responsive) and then proceeded to make me a sandwich. After that, I took a nap. Because I can. And when I woke up, I played with my kittens and when for a walk/bitch sesh with my girl and came home to watch some Olympic competitions and play cards with my dad and watch Trueblood and eat pizza with my mom. She also made me an amazing strawberry smoothie... I think it was to cheer me up from earlier. I think that I am stable now. In fact, I think that'll be the last cry of this deployment. I am just so over this right now, I can't even wait for him to come home. I'm beginning to forget the physical things about him, like his smell or the way he feels when he touches my skin. I forget the exact sound of his voice unless I listen to the videos he's made for me in which he's playing guitar or telling me he loves me. Fate, I know I can't decide these things for you, but, please, cut me a break. I just really need something from him this week. Anything. I love letters, let me have one of those. Let him find a way to get to the post office and send me something. Or something on the internet. A message or a comment is all I ask. At this point, I don't even want a Skype call, it might hurt too much when he has to hang up... I just want something, any shred of something from him. I am begging. Please.

le 21 juillet

Today was a good day. I got to sleep in and play with my new kitten (oh, by the way, my cat did have her kittens and they did survive, so when they appeared on our porch, I begged Zac to let me keep one... he said yes <3) for most of the day. Melissa came over to meet my kitten and hang out before she leaves for Denmark tomorrow, which was nice. I then went to the mall with my dear friend Casey and ended up getting a 6 dollar drawstring Superman bag to send in Zac's next care package. And now I'm home, hoping for Zac to get on the internet to get on Facebook like he said he would. He may not be able to, which is whatever, but I really hope he can. I miss him and it's been about a week and a half since I've heard his voice </3 But really the point of this blog is to post a couple of picture. I tried a new braid today and I also have a bunch of pictures of my kitten :) And I've been experimenting with red lipstick. My reasoning for posting? So you know that I was scared out of my mind to wear red lipstick regularly until I just decided I was going to buy some for future Marine Corps Balls. But I put it on as soon as I bought it and BOOM I was a DIVA! Moral of the story is try new things, whether it be in fashion or any other part of life, because you never know what you'll look amazing in until you try it. Even if you just test-drive it around the house, like I usually do, and then realize that it's fantastic. You can do it! Be BOLD!

My BOMB red lipstick!

Me and my little Gizmo baby.

Gizmo grooming her "mother". :) SO CUTE!

My baby Gizmo! <3

She's such a good girl and such a sweetie.

My new braid: five strand braid that I am in love with. So hard to do, though!

My kitten is closest to my toes. She DID have my whole foot, but her brother got jealous and kicked her off to make her share ;) Even though I do have two feet to sleep on haha

Me and my Gizmo baby!

July 13, 2012 [Friday the 13th!]

Today was a great day. Friday the Thirteenth really treated me very well. I worked this morning at Victoria's Secret from 11-3 and we did so well! There's a contest going on right now among different stores that ends tomorrow and, if we win, we get to pick a Dream Angel's bra and panty set for FREE!! We're hot contenders, so hopefully everything keeps going well for us and we keep selling what we need to sell! We did pretty well while I was there today, I think. Some big sales. Anyways, after work, I came home and got my things together for a pin up photo shoot and picked up my friend to head to another friend's house to do our hair and make-up. Well. Let me tell you, it was so much FUN!! We did our hair, did our make up and went straight for our men's cammies. And boy, did we have a blast in them!! We put on our sexiest bras to wear underneath the tops and had little American flags. After that outfit, we moved on to three more outfits and then we came home. I knew it'd be fun, but I don't think I imagined it would go so well! I hope she likes how her pictures turned out and I hope she has as many as she wanted to have. This shoot got me really excited for my boudoir shoot that I'm planning as a surprise for Zac when he comes home/as a wedding gift. The pin-up shoot is going to be kind of a surprise, too, but I think I'll send those on a disc in this care package I'll be sending. As a teaser of what's to come when he comes home ;) I can't wait. Good night, world.

Me and my friend during the shoot :)

One of the outfits.

Great idea to put two pots in front of my chest. Hilarious.

Post-shoot in the final outfit.

July 11, 2012

So yesterday was my two year and eight month anniversary with my Zac. Yes, I still count by months and no, I still don't care if it's juvenile. I will still be doing it. Now that that is out of the way, yesterday was a day off for me, so I spent it with my mom and two of my nieces and my nephew. One of my nieces, Kai, is staying the week with us, then we're trading for her sister at the end of the week and then the week after that, we'll have the both of them. So right now it's just Kai and we had Riley and Jonah over, too. We went to Aldi's and Walmart together and Riley was my little shadow. I love that little girl to pieces :) I bought The Hunger Games, since I finished my two books that I bought last week already. And then we stopped at Blocher's Jewelers to find some charms for my mom and a really nice woman there shined up my ring for me; it looks spectacular, just like when he first gave it to me. She told me to bring it in anytime and they would do it for me! So very sweet of her. When we finally went home, I finished the remainder of my book (which was FANTASTIC!) and went to bed, with my computer on, naturally, awaiting a potential middle of the night Skype call. That call did not come until a little after 11:00 this morning, however, which is fine with me. When he leaves for Australia, I won't really hear from him much over the Internet. He says he's going to spend a lot of time in the McDonald's on base for the free WiFi, but I told him to not worry about it and have fun while he's there. He needs to thoroughly enjoy his experience of travelling around the world and not have to worry about me too much. But I will be expecting letters. A lot of letters ;) What was different about today, though, was that when we were hanging up, I almost cried. I really miss him so much and I haven't cried in probably two months, which is great and all, but sometimes I just need a release like that and it won't come. And it still didn't today. But it's ok, I'm ok, and everything is going to be ok. I just hope that he stays safe and comes home to me unscathed. He hasn't changed in any significant ways throughout this deployment, thankfully. Even though it's not a combat zone, I know different experiences change people and I'm glad that his personality has already developed so strongly and that he's happy with they way he is that he hasn't felt the winds of change brush his mind. I'm going to miss seeing and hearing his personality in his voice, but when he writes letters, I can hear his voice when I read it and I can just tell the way he's saying things and the sarcasm he'll use or the excitement or the boredom and the tiredness. No matter how much I'll miss him, I know that it's a short period of time compared to all of the time we'll get to spend together afterwards and the reunions are always worth the separations. I love him to pieces and I miss him so much and I can't wait until he's home <3

July 6, 2012

Lots has happened.Sorry. I think I might be the laziest blogger ever. Every time I think of typing a whole blog post, I just get exhausted and don't. Oh well. Tonight, I have found some motivation and I'm rolling with it. So we went to Washington D.C. and it was probably one of the coolest family vacations I've ever taken. We saw the Holocaust museum and a lot of the monuments. On the way home, we stopped at the Flight 93 Memorial. It was so moving, I couldn't help but cry. Anyways. Flashback to the morning we're leaving for D.C. and Zac calls me on Skype. So he's giving me this goofy grin and I ask him what's going on, why's he smiling like that, and he asks me "Who's in the room?" so I let him know my mother and LaLa are in the room with me and giving him a look like "Please, don't say anything sexual." So finally he says "Fuck it, I'm gonna say it anyways," and promptly apologizes for his language. He starts telling me this story about how he was at his MCMAP class that day and they had to lift forty or fifty pound bags of sand and run to the barracks after this obstacle course and so as he's running with this giant bag of sand, he starts to get really tired and starts "doggin' it" and his Corporal is yelling at him and telling him to get moving when suddenly he had this epiphany about how much he loves me. How he loves my personality, my smile, how beautiful I am, how supportive I've been, but most of all how he knows that I love him just as much and just knowing that makes him love me even more than he already does. And just the way he said all of this, in front of my sister and my mother, I started to blush. He earned brownie points with my mother. And he definitely made my day. I couldn't wipe the shitty grin off of my face the whole air-conditioning-less ride to D.C. :)

After listening to his talk. A survivor of WWII.

Holocaust Museum!

First time on a metro. Hell yeah.

My sister and I on monument day.

We went to the National Geographic place and saw their Titanic exhibit that I was allowed to take pictures in!

A future Jackson in front of the Jackson Memorial.

Me, LaLa, and mom in front of the White House!

Holding the Washington Monument in the palm of my hand.

Resting in the middle of the F.D.R. Memorial.

"Listening" to a fireside chat with an old dude.

Shaking hands with one of my favorite presidents, F.D.R!

Destroyed swastika outside of the Holocaust museum.

Flight 93 Memorial.

This is where they crashed. These people are my heroes. A boulder signifies the impact point way out there in the middle of the field.

So after D.C. there was Melissa's graduation party and LaLa and Xander's graduation party, which were both fun! Thursday, June 28, we had to say goodbye to our sweet Danish girl, though, and it was just a rough day all around. I had to go in to work that night and I was so not in the mood to deal with the customers after having to say goodbye to my sister AND not hear from Zac for a few days. But, after that, the festival began and in the midst of all of this fun, I was playing ball (short stop some of the time!!) and I even slid into home TWICE. Tore my knee up pretty good, though. It's still healing from two weeks ago. Anywho, the festival was great fun (on the day I got to go). That Saturday, I went to the festival in the morning to eat "breakfast" and then I had to go home and change for work that evening. I walked in and the three guys I was working with decided that it'd be cool to just not touch dishes and let me do the two sinks full of dishes. Man when I told Zac about that he was furious. I was furious. I cussed them up and down and ripped them a new one. Then I told them not to speak to me until after I finished my dishes so I could calm myself down. They thought I was a total bitch but I didn't give a shit, the shit they pulled was bullshit. Zac said he thought I should've walked out of there. His dad said I should've left all of the dishes in the corner and only did the dishes from my shift. I just wanted to rip someone's throat out. My manager offered to let me have my dinner for free and I told him I would be paying for my food, thank you very much. I bet any money, though, that that will never happen again. And if it does, you bet your ass I'm out and then they'll have all of those dishes to do AND be short a cashier for the night. Fuck that noise. ANYWAYS.

Moving on! So I got to talk to Zac a few times this week. We talked about when I'll be moving (he now thinks he wants me to move in October again. I'm not getting my hopes set high for that, but we're going to try and see how things go. If it doesn't work out, I move in January) and I showed him a bunch of apartments that I found and, luckily, he likes the ones I found and, even though we love the sound of the house, we're going to probably check out the cheapo apartment I found first that allows pets and isn't too far away. I think it'll be perfect. We'll see what Owens thinks when she comes with us apartment hunting. She's helping me look, too. I also got to see a glimpse of my man's progress in the gym... he is putting the guys from Magic Mike to SHAME. Seriously. He is that kind of cut that he was before he left for boot camp. Like the cut he was when we first started talking and hanging out, only he's gained more muscle. He's really been hitting the gym and I am seeing the results even through the blurry ass screen. My man is even more gorgeous than when he left <3 We also talked about how November will be going down. If I'm moved out there by October, I;m going to buy a plane ticket home for my birthday (the weekend before so I can go to see the Sunday night football game against Baltimore and spend my 21st with my parents, like I know they'll want) and if I'm not, we're going to buy a plane ticket for me to come out for the ball/our three year anniversary. Lots of flying in my future, I see. So at this point, I think that pretty much sums up my life for the past few weeks. Other than work and talk to Zac, I try to see as many people as I can and not turn down any offers to see my friends while I still can. Until next time, Internet-land.

The Ooey Gooey Part

I got a Skype call from Zac on Saturday when I got home from Pittsburgh, right after I'd settled in on the couch with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich made by my mommy and a big glass of juice, so I had to answer and then juggle those and my laptop while walking precariously up the steps, and I was so tired that I just looked like a zombie. But when I finally sat on my bed in my bedroom and got to look at him, he had this dreamy happy/sad smile on his face. And when I took a bite of my sandwich and apologized for taking so long getting settled, he just said "It's ok" and kept on smiling. I know what that smile means. It meant he missed me so much it hurt but it made him smile to see me just being exactly the way I always am . It made me feel good to see him smile at me like that. Boy do I love him... I've been daydreaming a lot about him. About kissing him and holding his hand and just walking side by side with him. Or having someone in the car with me and not have to ask someone else to come with me just so I don't have to be driving every single place all by myself. And imaging just how he felt to surround me with his body, to be entangled in his arms. I try so hard not to forget these sensations of his hands... his lips... his body... just everything about him. I try not to forget his smell, but I do forget until I smell it again and think he's home. I see people that look kind of like him. They're the right height, they have the same hair color and same big head. Or they have the same mannerisms. They'll walk like him and sometimes I even hear his voice in others' words.
There are just so many things that go though my head every day and it just piles higher whenever he's away from me. I feel pride in being his and pride in what he accomplishes. I feel so happy for what he has the opportunity to experience and so happy when I see his smile on a computer screen. I feel envy towards the other people that get to spend time with him every day because I know just how special a person he is and exactly how hard it is to be away from him and not have him every single day. I feel sadness for how hard his life is and how people judge him, including, but not limited to, his own Marines, his own country of American citizens, and foreign countries all across the globe. They're all judging him, whether it be good or bad judgment. And I feel sadness for how hard and long he is worked and how little sleep he gets. I feel angry, at times, with how this life isn't something I'd wish even upon my enemies and yet a relationship as good as ours has to withstand this distance and these hardships of being in love but never together. I feel frustrated with people that don't understand what's going on... or people that blatantly disregard my and his sacrifices. I feel empty, especially at night, when I lay myself down for sleep. I play pretend at night, play as if my arms are his and they're wrapped around me tightly. But most of all, I feel love. I feel the love of my man from afar just hearing it in his voice or seeing it in a post on Facebook or reading into his smile. Everything he does I know is for us and even though I miss him terribly while he's gone, this is what is best for our future and I know he values what he does. And even though he's sad to be away, I know he loves the people he wouldn't have met otherwise and the places he wouldn't have seen.

A Bit of Hodge Podge

Lots has happened this week and a lot, if not all, of it is positive! Let's start with Saturday. I work my usual shift from 6-10am and then drove home so fast to change into my softball gear and play ball. We lost both games, but that's ok; I could play the best game and lose and still be happy. It's when I play poorly that I get upset, even when we win. But I got my shit together and I was playing left center at first and then over to right field and I caught everything that came my way. It was great to be able to catch again and I hope that this carries over to my co-ed league! After that, since my family comes and watches me when I play my women's league games, we went to get J&T's ice cream after the game. Boy do I love ice cream :). Once I got home, I saw that my bathing suit had come in and I was so excited to try it on and lay out in the sunshine! It's really cute. It's Roxy brand and it's white crochet. The top is a bandeau that has strings that go up around the neck, if need be (but they hardly ever go up there since I don't want tan lines!) and the bottoms are very small... much smaller than I'm used to and they tie on both sides. Now when I say small, I mean that they fit just fine, it's just that they hardly cover ANYTHING... I really have to watch my bikini line so I don't miss any spots in the shower THAT'S how small this thing is. It's taken a while to get used to them, but so far they haven't fallen down or anything! Anyway, so this whole weekend I've been hanging out with my exchange student a lot and Sunday we spent practically the whole day together laying out in the sun and cleaning up the house and watching movies together. It's so nice hanging out with her and I'm really glad that I get to be home so much more often now. I'm really going to miss her when she leaves. Oh! We've also been working out together almost every day, which is great because I know I won't do it without a buddy with me. Same with sunbathing, I hate laying in the hot sun sweating with no one to talk to. It's so boring and I can only read while I'm lying on my stomach. Ok, on to Monday. Monday was Memorial Day. Sunday night, LaLa and I twisted our hair up in bobbi pins for pins curls the next day and they turned out great. I layed out for a little while before I finished cleaning off the deck for the cook out we were hosting later on. Only a little bit of my family came over, but it was nice to spend time with them. After about 7:00 and I still hadn't received a Skype call yet from Zac, I was just ready to be alone. I went up in my room and just stared off into space. He did finally call at about 8:00, but I had just read some things that deeply upset me (How ignorant people can't differentiate between what our military does and what our politicians order I have no idea, but it's a battle not worth fighting. If they're really that dumb and willing to argue with potentially similarly dumb people, then by all means, go for it. I'm not going to even try to change your ignorant ass... don't tell me that "If you don't want to see more caskets, then stop invading places" etc when you're commenting on a picture of a fallen marine's casket. Leave that shit for the president's picture, unless you're too much of a pansy ass to do that.) and I had just started to cry a little and seeing his face and hearing him ask "What's wrong, beautiful?" after just one look at my face and just a few words out of my mouth got me going. I feel I was entitled to a good cry. Before Monday, I hadn't cried since April Fool's Day when he played that mean nasty trick on me (love you, babe). He really helped me feel better. After w hung up and decided he'd call me the next day to sort out what was going on after he come back stateside, I went into my exchange student's room and she was about to read our friend's Tarot cards. It was really cool and, since I'd cried, I felt better and a little more social. The next day, I was supposed to be at work at 6am, so I drove all the way there and ended up not being needed, which I was fine with. I was the walking dead at that point because I was still so drained from crying the day before so I drove back home and told my dad to wake me up whenever he was ready to drive out to Dick's to get him some new tennis shoes and me some new softball spikes (since mine finally shit the bed on Saturday morning). We went out to Dick's and the lady measured my foot and I told her that I could fit in kid's sizes, too, and that would probably be best. She agreed, because she said my feet were really small and narrow and kid's sizes would accommodate those criteria. What size did I end up getting? A kid's 5.5. At how much, you may ask? $14.99. And they're Adidas. I was so proud. :) After that, I picked LaLa up from school and we came home, went to WalMart with mom and our little brother, Xander, and when we got back, LaLa and I worked out and in the middle of it I got my Skype call :) So we talked about everything we needed to talk about and set our plans in sand.

The Disgruntled Wives Club: Discussion Questions

So before I get into answering the discussion questions, I'll give a little background on the book and its author. The author is my own high school's athletic trainer, Portia Cosby, and she also is (at least, she was when I was still in high school) a physical therapist at Burke's. This is one of three books, now, I believe, that she has published and I am anxiously awaiting the release of future works. This book is about the lives of three women, all of whom are married and all of whom are best friends. Their lives are complicated. Dana is married to a Class-A Fuck-Up and throughout the novel, she suspects her husband of cheating. Crystal is married to a hip-hop super-star and their "agreement" (as she calls it) is more complicated than a normal marriage. Willow ("Milky") is Crystal's adopted sister who was abandoned by her irresponsible teenage parents and found by her adoptive mother. She's married to a physically and emotionally abusive but very successful man. The three of them, throughout the novel, count on each other for moral support and help. It's a great read and I recommend all of Portia's books.
Without further ado, the discussion questions and my thoughts ***spoiler alert***:
1. Do you think each woman made the right decision?

• Absolutely. I don't think it was right, per say, of Milky to "get back" at Vaughn. It was vindictive and cruel, but I don't see how she would have been able to move on if she hadn't been able to show him who's boss. It could, however, pose a problem for her once he is released from jail. She'd better get some private security, an alarm system, and shooting lessons and a carry permit before he gets out of jail. As for Dana, she'd better stay away from Ric. He's cheated with multiple women, lied to her, and treated her like shit for years and years. Empty and broken promises are all he is good for and she'd better fight that custody battle with all her might because someday, he's going to fuck up with those kids, too. I love her line "You have to love the person, not their potential." Finally, Crystal. Her husband gave her herpes and broke with few guidelines she gave to him when they originally got married. I don't know how I feel about her staying with him, but I'm certain she has a good enough head on her shoulders to know not to jump right back in. She knows it won't be the same between them, even if they do work things out, and she's still going to have this potentially life-threatening disease for the remainder of her years. She's got a lot to get over before she can ever have room in her life for Dante again.

2. What are your feelings about Vaughn and how his childhood experiences affected his temper?

• His history is no excuse for his behavior and he's had at least three people enabling him for a long time. His mother giving in to his tantrums, his adoptive father for reasons that weren't described, and his wife for allowing him to strike her all those years and chop it up to "Oh, he's having a bad day." He can't fully take responsibility as an adult (or any at all) because he never has had to because of the tragedy that is his childhood. He should've had help when he was young to try to correct his issues instead of allowing him to over-compensate his "manhood" in every aspect of his life. He blamed his wife when he couldn't get it up. He took it out on his wife when he had a bad day at the office or when something went wrong. He had people following his wife even though he had no reason to even imagine she would be screwing around on him. I think Vaughn, and every person like him, needs weeded out and psychoanalyzed so they can't hurt the weak and loving ones that they draw in. Abusers know how to seek out abusees.

3. What are your feelings about Crystal's rules for Dante concerning what constituted as cheating at the beginning of the book?

• I've never been in a high-profile relationship, so I'm not going to even try to relate. If that's what she thought was best, then that's fine and dandy. As long as he follows the rules that they both agreed to when they said "I Do", then no harm, no foul. But from my point of view, a spouse should never have that kind of leeway in a relationship if you have any self-respect or standards. She easily could've found a man that would have been willing and able to settle down with her entirely and treated her like the real woman she is. I feel like a man with as high a profile as Dante is bound to break the rules. Even rules that are so lenient in the first place. So, in the end, no matter what she tried to settle in the beginning, the relationship was doomed simply because he was a super-star with a super-ego and seriously could not stop himself from breaking all of the rules.

4. In marriage, do you believe there is no excuse for divorce?

• I believe in divorce. But not all "I'm pissed at you right this second, I want a divorce." That means you weren't mature enough to be married in the first place and you really need to reevaluate yourself and your life choices. That being said, if there is abuse in the mix, get the fuck out before you end up paralyzed, in a coma, or dead. There is no excuse for abuse and that is one reason to get out of a marriage. I also believe that cheating/compulsive lying is a legitimate excuse to end a marriage. That is another big vow to be broken. If your spouse is cheating on you, you have no way of knowing what they're bringing home with them, whether it be diseases or what have you, and your bond is no longer sacred. Fool me once, shame on your. Fool me twice, shame on me.

5. Dana crossed the line with Lorenzo. Do you feel she was justified?

• Since I developed a soft spot for the three main characters in this book, I feel like I'm one of her girls, so, yes, I do. It only happened once. Yes, it was wrong and crossing so many boundaries, but, at the same time, her man is out there getting it in with as many women as he wants. On camera. Without condoms. He's a disgusting pig. She was desperate.

6. Do you think any of the women brought their problems on themselves?

• Crystal, I think. She shouldn't have gone through with a marriage she couldn't have a legitimate partnership with. It would've saved her a lot of heartache (and an STD) if she either hadn't gone through with it or she had been clear that either he stays faithful or he loses her. Plain and simple. The other two had no idea what they were getting into when they got into it.

7. In your opinion, was Ric truly remorseful?

• N.O.

8. Why do men cheat?

• Oh that's tough. Lots of reasons, I'd presume. He's having problems with his wife, he's drunk, the girl came on to him, he wants to see if he's "still got it", he's horny... I think men cheat for more physical reasons.

9. Why do women cheat?

• Women cheat for emotional reasons. They want intimacy and passion and a new lover is doing all of that because that's just what they are: a lover. Only there to please, but not for the long-haul. Sure, they listen to your gripes now. Then they give you some kind of mind-blowing sex with your orgasm in mind and send you right back home to your problems. Women crave intimacy and love.

10. Should adultery be a deal-breaker?

• I try to say yes, but I've been there (not in marriage, but relationships) and lemme tell ya, it's easier said than done. I know, though, if it were to happen twice in one relationship, it'd be over. I respect my standards and myself way more than that. I do believe in second chances and that, if you love someone, they deserve a second chance. But if they fuck around again? That just means they think you're soft, think you won't find out again, or they really genuinely only see you as a solid rock in their life. Something to come home to rather than something to look forward to coming home to. Do yourself a favor and get out.

11. Dana was upset with her father for not speaking up about his feelings toward Ric before their marriage. Was she justified? Do you believe in the statement Speak now or forever hold your peace?

• I think she was justified in being upset, but if she holds that over him, she's wrong. It's not totally his responsibility to take care of a grown woman. As for the statement, I don't. I think it's never too late to tell someone that you think they made a mistake. It takes a lot of courage to say that to someone you love and care about and sometimes it takes a really long time to get the nerve to say it.

12. Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? Define happiness.

• Yes, I believe so. I've seen them. And I'm thinking that mine will be the same. Happiness, to me, is the butterflies you get when you see your spouse or hear their voice or feel their touch and it never gets old to you, being with the same person day after day. They can always bring a smile to your face, even without saying a word, and even though you have such great memories, you don't dwell on them; in fact, you look forward most to the future.

13. What do you see in Dante and Crystal's future?

• Lots of condoms. Just kidding. On a serious note, I think they're eventually going to be happy together again. It's going to take a lot of work on his part, but at the end of the book, he already put in a lot of effort and he seemed to genuinely love and miss Crystal's being around. I think he can win her over again, no matter how cold she thinks her heart is.

14. There are lots of couples who are unhappily married. Ideas on why they stay together?

• Well, if there are kids, that seems to factor into it a lot. Financial stability. Morality. Catholicism. Good sex. Image control. Memories. Potential. Promises of change.

15. If you could add anything to the traditional wedding vows, what would it be?

• That is a really good question. I don't know, I've never considered it because Zac and I want to write our own vows.

Rant [With Some Contradictions, Some Not] About Living This Life I Chose

Sometimes, even though I know I am, I really don't feel strong enough. This will be added to and continued as I think of the many more things that go through my head every single day.
I can't stand being lonely all the time. I hate that when I reach for his hand, it isn't there. I hate how I have to talk to myself in the car because I'm always driving everywhere alone. I can't sleep when there are other people in the bed because I know they're not him and when there are others in the bed, I get vivid flashbacks of when we used to be able to cuddle close and these memories bring me short of breath. I hate that I can't function like a normal human being and go about my daily life without some sort of interruption or reminder. I'll be standing in a store and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I'll get a vivid flashback of a time he and I spent happily together or I'll hear a noise that sounds similar to the Skype call sound on my computer and be reminded again that this is what my life is now. I hate that he can't watch me play softball anymore because he's never home during the season. I hate knowing that, if he were home, he'd be playing co-ed ball with me just because it would make me happy. I hate knowing that this was the best route for our relationship to take because, if not for the Marine Corps, he would never have straightened out and I know my life would be totally different. I hate not being able to text him and let him know he's on my mind. I hate that he is always my main concern yet I can't always be his. I hate that even though I have two jobs, I still don't work enough and the tasks I do don't get my mind off of him for even a second. I hate seeing other couples holding hands because that is one of the things that I miss most. I hate seeing girls complain about not seeing their boyfriends for a couple of days when I don't get to see the man I'm engaged to for months at a time, let alone hear from him for days to weeks at a time. I hate worrying about what war will be coming next and whether or not he'll be sent to it. I hate that I sleep alone. I hate that I shower alone. I hate that in order for me to sleep at night, I have to either read his boot camp letters over again, look at old pictures of us, or picture us snuggling in bed together. I hate that in the shower I'm bombarded with memories of washing his hair and back and him washing my back as well as the rest of my body. I hate dreaming at night about him because, in the morning, I really believe he's home. I hate being underestimated. Most of all, I hate being without my best friend in the whole wide world.
I miss the way we share shower space and water. I miss having conversations about our days; especially those conversations that happen so naturally in the shower. I miss the way he used to answer my question of "What are you doing?" with "Exploooooring". I miss the way his lips feel against mine. I miss the intimacy of a relationship that one can only get through physical contact. I miss the different sounds he makes when he snuggles deeper under the covers to get warm. I miss the way he kisses my forehead. I miss the way he absentmindedly reaches for my hand. I miss being a passenger. I miss the kind of hugs that only a best friend and lover can give. I miss giving and receiving back rubs. I miss receiving foot rubs. I miss being five minutes away from each other. I miss the way he looks at me. I miss the way he looks at the ring he put on my finger. I miss being able to read his mind just from a look on his face. I miss being able to see his face clearly instead of fuzzy or not at all. I miss having him to wake up (crying) to after a vivid and realistic nightmare. I miss waking up and being able to tell him those warm fuzzy dreams. I miss trying to fight sleep in order to spend more conscious time together. I miss the way that our bodies fit perfectly together when we hold one another. I miss reading his facial expressions like an open book. Most of all, I miss him.
I love the intimacy of letters. I love dreaming about him after a long hard day, even though I hate waking up thinking he's home. I love the anticipation of a phone call, Skype call, letter, or package. I love the anticipation of his receiving a package I sent. I love the swell of pride I feel every time I see him. I love him in any of his uniforms, even in his Michael Myers looking ones and especially his dress blues. I love how time seems to stand still for our relationship and we pick right back up where we left off the next time we see on another. I love that he's travelling and seeing the world. I love that he wishes I was there with him. I love that sunsets remind him of me. I love that I know how to calm him down after a hard day. I love that he knows just how to make me laugh. I love that he trusts me with his whole heart. I love that I can trust him. I love knowing that I am strong enough to do this. I love giving other good military girlfriends, fiancees, and wives a good name. I love the feeling of solidarity it brings to those of us in the same situations. I love the pride I feel and the lump in my throat whenever I hear the National Anthem sung or played. I love how romantic he can be. I love proving him wrong about my emotional strength. I love being able to still catch his subtleties over a blurry Skype call. I love calling him out on surprises when he thinks he's being so sneaky. I love the surprises, anyway. I love his laugh. I love his smile. I love the way he laughs when he sees something that's really cute and that he finds adorable (like pandas on a slide). I love that I can still picture the way we kiss and daydream about it. I love his confidence. I love his vulnerability that he only shows to me. I love how deeply he cares, even though he tries to smother it. I love how he reaches out to people he doesn't even know to make sure they are alright. I love that he's beginning to love what he does. I love that he always sticks up for me and always sticks up for himself. I love how he can admit to being wrong. I love that he can apologize and mean it. I love that he is so incredibly humble. I love the look in his eyes when he sees me after a long separation. I love the feel of his arms wrapped around me. I love his dirty mind. I love how when he looks at me he seems to see no one else. I love the look on his face when he proposed to me (and I love that my family caught it in a photograph). I love when he tells me he's proud of me, even if it's something that doesn't pertain to real life... like my softball games. I love that he tells me the truth, even if it's hard to take. I love how he knows exactly how to say the truth or whatever it is he needs to say to keep me from getting defensive. I love how when he does slip up and say something that pisses me off, he always knows just how to make it better. Most of all, I love him.