To Whoever Controls My Fate and Other Things I Can't Control:

So usually, I hear from my Zac right when I think I can't handle not hearing from him any longer and then, POOF, fate intervenes and a simple message or comment or ever a Skype call comes to my rescue. Saturday was not one of those days. I was looking forward to the possibility of hearing from him ALL WEEK. And by the time the weekend showed up, I was prepared to sit in front of my computer and wait for his call. That night, I stayed up as long as I could (and I had to be up at 7:30 for softball) and then, when I kept reading the same sentence over and over and not understanding it at all, I put my computer next to my head (something I only do on rare occasions when I'm worried I won't hear the call) and try to fall asleep. Only I couldn't. Oh, sure, I tried. I layed in this position and that position, I tossed and turned until I thought I found a good one and then had to move again because it wasn't right. The moments when I did fall asleep were brief and very frequently interrupted by nothing more than my own mind. I would wake up every hour or two drenched in sweat even though I was only in shorts and a tee shirt and it was only 60 degrees outside. I woke up the next morning not only sleep-deprived, but without a single peep from my man. No Facebook message or comment, no missed Skype call or message, and definitely no letter in the mailbox. I went about my day and played my three games of softball (and played terribly) and went straight to work (two hours before I was scheduled) and stayed there until one in the morning (two hours late). By the time I got home, I was so tired and miserable and sore and upset that after I ate, I flopped down on the bed, and even though I couldn't get comfortable for the life of me, I fell asleep. I woke up this morning miserable at best and went to work from 12-2. What did I do there? I cried. Yup. One of my co-workers and I were talking, and one thing led to another, and once I started talking about my bad day, I couldn't stop myself and I cried. Poor thing probably didn't know that was coming. Thankfully, he gave me a hug and I was able to recover enough to wait on the next customer that walked in our doors with a straight face and without tears. Good thing I don't wear make up to this job or it would've been all clumpy and no matter how good of a crier I am, you can't help clumpy. My mascara doesn't run when I cry, my face and eyes don't get red. All that happens is that I get pale. So basically, I look normal. So that's a nice thing about being me, I guess. Anyways, after that, I came home, my mom made inquired if I was having a bad day (I was REALLY quiet and practically non responsive) and then proceeded to make me a sandwich. After that, I took a nap. Because I can. And when I woke up, I played with my kittens and when for a walk/bitch sesh with my girl and came home to watch some Olympic competitions and play cards with my dad and watch Trueblood and eat pizza with my mom. She also made me an amazing strawberry smoothie... I think it was to cheer me up from earlier. I think that I am stable now. In fact, I think that'll be the last cry of this deployment. I am just so over this right now, I can't even wait for him to come home. I'm beginning to forget the physical things about him, like his smell or the way he feels when he touches my skin. I forget the exact sound of his voice unless I listen to the videos he's made for me in which he's playing guitar or telling me he loves me. Fate, I know I can't decide these things for you, but, please, cut me a break. I just really need something from him this week. Anything. I love letters, let me have one of those. Let him find a way to get to the post office and send me something. Or something on the internet. A message or a comment is all I ask. At this point, I don't even want a Skype call, it might hurt too much when he has to hang up... I just want something, any shred of something from him. I am begging. Please.