The Ooey Gooey Part

I got a Skype call from Zac on Saturday when I got home from Pittsburgh, right after I'd settled in on the couch with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich made by my mommy and a big glass of juice, so I had to answer and then juggle those and my laptop while walking precariously up the steps, and I was so tired that I just looked like a zombie. But when I finally sat on my bed in my bedroom and got to look at him, he had this dreamy happy/sad smile on his face. And when I took a bite of my sandwich and apologized for taking so long getting settled, he just said "It's ok" and kept on smiling. I know what that smile means. It meant he missed me so much it hurt but it made him smile to see me just being exactly the way I always am . It made me feel good to see him smile at me like that. Boy do I love him... I've been daydreaming a lot about him. About kissing him and holding his hand and just walking side by side with him. Or having someone in the car with me and not have to ask someone else to come with me just so I don't have to be driving every single place all by myself. And imaging just how he felt to surround me with his body, to be entangled in his arms. I try so hard not to forget these sensations of his hands... his lips... his body... just everything about him. I try not to forget his smell, but I do forget until I smell it again and think he's home. I see people that look kind of like him. They're the right height, they have the same hair color and same big head. Or they have the same mannerisms. They'll walk like him and sometimes I even hear his voice in others' words.
There are just so many things that go though my head every day and it just piles higher whenever he's away from me. I feel pride in being his and pride in what he accomplishes. I feel so happy for what he has the opportunity to experience and so happy when I see his smile on a computer screen. I feel envy towards the other people that get to spend time with him every day because I know just how special a person he is and exactly how hard it is to be away from him and not have him every single day. I feel sadness for how hard his life is and how people judge him, including, but not limited to, his own Marines, his own country of American citizens, and foreign countries all across the globe. They're all judging him, whether it be good or bad judgment. And I feel sadness for how hard and long he is worked and how little sleep he gets. I feel angry, at times, with how this life isn't something I'd wish even upon my enemies and yet a relationship as good as ours has to withstand this distance and these hardships of being in love but never together. I feel frustrated with people that don't understand what's going on... or people that blatantly disregard my and his sacrifices. I feel empty, especially at night, when I lay myself down for sleep. I play pretend at night, play as if my arms are his and they're wrapped around me tightly. But most of all, I feel love. I feel the love of my man from afar just hearing it in his voice or seeing it in a post on Facebook or reading into his smile. Everything he does I know is for us and even though I miss him terribly while he's gone, this is what is best for our future and I know he values what he does. And even though he's sad to be away, I know he loves the people he wouldn't have met otherwise and the places he wouldn't have seen.